My Journey from Discovery to Acceptance to Change
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Hope Through Authenticity

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Wanna See What Excess Emotional Energy Looks Like ... The Post That Never Happened

The Goal that Must Be Realized

When Habits Stop Being Habits, Part 3

Over the last two posts, I’ve worried over good habits that just don’t stick.  One thing I realized is that I had some habits that I don’t need right now.  For example, in the last post, I analyzed the goal of eliminating soda and realized that that habit doesn’t really support the overarching goal of good health.  Now, that may not be true for you.  I’m not saying soda is good for you.  I am simply saying that for me, at this point in time, the energy I’m spending on that habit is not balanced. 

The overarching goal of completing my novel IS WORTH MY ENERGY and yet I keep stumbling.  Let’s just jump in with the analysis.

Goal:  Finish my Matt/Kath novel and get it published!

Steps: 

Get the second draft finished … which requires:

I’m going to stop this post right here today – this is a great example of how Excess Emotional Energy works … writing this post is causing my heart to race because I am so scared of 1) finishing that novel and being told it’s no good and 2) NOT finishing that novel and condemning myself for the rest of my life ….

Something about this novel is creating mass chaos inside me. 

My anxiety is rising.  My fear is starting to take over.  I want to run, to hide.  I desperately want to go on Amazon and fill my cart.  I want to open my favorite book and re-read.  I want to do ANYTHING other than analyze what’s happening in me right this minute.  I’m near tears.  That’s not true … I’m in tears. 

What if it sucks?  What if I can never get it done?  What if I’m sitting here next week, next year, in five years, without accomplishing this one thing?  What is my purpose in life?  It’s so hard to have once had a career that you know was what you were supposed to be doing and now …. ?????  Now, now … everything scares me.  I can’t make a decision.  I can’t “land” on anything.  So many ideas but nothing done! 

So many people have abandoned me – and so many of them are “Christians” that even God has abandoned me.  My husband goes to this great job, interacts with people and I sit here all alone – I speak only to the dog for days on end. 

What is the point of ME? 

I went to exercise this morning and was not able to get my “points” even though I felt like I was working myself to death.  I’ve been in tears since.  No “positive affirmations” are getting through.  My novel is sitting right next to me and I’m scared to go there – Deep breathing is not helping.  Writing this is not helping. 

I’m supposed to follow-up with a lady today about a small teaching job – but if she rejects me … I keep telling myself that’s not rejection of ME but that the class idea is not right.  That’s not helping.  I can’t call her.  I just can’t. 

I desperately want to go take a nap (it’s 9am).  My therapist would tell me to “sit in it”.  I’m trying, I really am. 

That’s the hardest thing for me – this constant fear of rejection of not being any good.  I’m so tired of feeling “less than” and overwhelmed and afraid.  This constant fear that I’ll break down again and never get back up.  I can’t survive it all a second time. 

All my ideas just careen in my head and never fully solidify.  Even this blog is not quite what I wanted b/c I can’t define what I want – or I can’t trust what I want is any good.  I CAN’T LAND.  I WANT TO LAND … I WANT A DIRECTION AND THEN I WANT TO STICK TO IT … I want to believe in myself. 

This was all type in 3 minutes – that’s what Excess Emotional Energy is like.  It’s a tornado.  It’s exhausting. 

I’ll get back to the “real” post soon … have to rest for a few.  Have a good day!

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  • Meet June

    June with Purple Hair

    In April 2012 I had a mental breakdown. The real thing. I have about 36 hours that I don’t remember....

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  • All of my novels, at least so far, have an element of mental illness within a character.  Decide to Hope is the most autobiographical in that I struggle in many ways exactly as the female protagonist. 
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