Have you ever failed? Of course you have. Maybe in small ways. Maybe in huge ways. Failure is as universal as anger, sadness, joy, tears and laughter.
If you’ve followed my blogs, then you are aware that I had a mental breakdown in April 2012. At the time, I owned and taught at a small school. This school was conducted in my basement – imagine 30+ kids coming in and out all day! The school lasted ten years and when it ended, it ended with a boom and a crash! For the last five years, I’ve considered that entire school a failure.
My failure. ME the failure. Do you see the difference – it wasn’t that something I did failed, it was ME that was a failure? That idea continues to be paralyzing in many ways.
I’ve been working in therapy, with friends, with my husband to reframe it – after all, rationally I get that it lasted 10 years and saw several dozen graduates go on to pursue their dreams. But knowing it and believing are not synonymous.
About six months ago, I joined a Pathfinder Group Coaching program. This was NOT therapy – this was more geared towards career/personal goals/accountability. As you can imagine, a lot of emotional stuff is involved in finding your passion and the courage to pursue it. Last night the focus was dealing with failure. Not a fun topic but more necessary than I realized.
For the first time, I shed some of the school baggage. I woke this morning feeling freer – not free – but freer than yesterday. I wanted to share because what we did could be applied in so many ways – let’s just get started and you’ll see what I mean.
Please do the steps before you read my responses – this is your exercise. I already did mine!
When you think of the word failure, what images/words/messages come to mind?
All of us had different answers – embarrassment, shame, personal expectations, societal expectations – for me, though, the idea that I AM THE FAILURE beat me over the head. The idea of failure became a judgment ON me – my value/my worth – rather than on the situation or the facts.
Take 2-3 minutes to list areas that you consider a failure. Once you’ve done that, choose ONE to work with.
I’m not going to share my entire list – it was long. She asked to choose one that still held some emotional pain. I chose the school.
Take 3-4 minutes to make a list of all the things your Inner Critic tells you about this – how do you condemn yourself?
This list could go on for pages --- but here are some of the big ones:
Is that enough? It was certainly painful enough!
What were the negative repercussions due to that failure?
Think about your failure. What were the lasting negative consequences? This is my list:
I want to pause here for something that happened during this exercise that shocked me and started the healing – every time I wrote one of negative consequences, my brain gave me the other side of the coin. For example, every child did find a place to be (thanks to VB) and I believe all their situations were positive. I did lose relationships – but if they weren’t strong enough to withstand this trauma, did I need them? Making faith MINE is a good thing. You get the idea. This may not happen to you – but be attuned – you just may not be letting that part of you speak loudly enough.
What are the lasting positive consequences due to that failure?
She had us think about what we gain, what we learned, what skills we acquired, what qualities were developed, what other possibilities appeared, etc.
I sure hope you’ve been doing your own failure analysis because here is where it gets good!
Go back to step one – how do you perceive failure now?
All of the above is great -- but, the one epiphany that changed my life was this:
It took incredible strength to go to rehab, to let others take control, to move into health. Only because of this failure was I willing to learn new skills and become my authentic self.
NOW THAT’S SUCCESS!
I will be asking the professional that runs this group to approve this blog – I do not want to “steal” her work. I will also put a link to her website below – this Pathfinder Group Coaching was worth every dime/every anguish/every minute! As I said above, this group was life changing in a different (but complimentary) to therapy. If you feel lost in any area of your life -- take the time to check it out: http://meredithwalters.com
At the end of last night’s session, one of the participants read the following poem. Perfect!
I do not have permission to publish this – but I figure since it’s free on the web, I can share … here is the link: http://sites.uci.edu/mindful/files/2013/10/Autobiography-in-Five-Short-Chapters.pdf
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.
I am lost . . . I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault . . .
It takes forever to find a way out.Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place. But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there.
I still fall . . . it’s a habit . . . but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
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