I’ve been wondering what to say today – the day when four-plus years of sweat and toil finally culminates in the release of Decide To Hope. Beyond the work, the constant worry about the story and all is pieces; beyond the need to tell my fictional friends’ story to the best of my ability, this project became something more. Something essential to my well-being, to my own personal recovery. In order to finish it and find the courage to give the public access, I had to face many difficult issues. Many of these issues were new – not new to me but new to my conscious awareness.
When I was a girl, I’m sure someone asked me that age-old question – what do you want to be when you grow up? I have no memory of an answer. I wasn’t a child who dreamed of x or y or z. I was a child who focused on survival in a dysfunctional home. I went to college – even though my mother discouraged it. I studied business because … well because it seemed the go-to if you had no dream, no specific talent. I stumbled into healthcare because that’s where I found a job. I shoved on to teaching because I liked it and it made me feel competent and needed (a topic for another post). My school was started not because of a dream but because of a need. Those events are wonderful but not a dream. Not my dream.
This book – this story – these characters – are what fill my dreams. Even now, as I work on part 2, I have active, vivid conversations with Kathleen and Matt. They are my friends, my companions, my own hope for continued healing. Today – with tears in my eyes, fear in my heart – I release them to the world.
I’ve fought through terrible anxiety, some horrible bouts of self-flagellation. I’ve made some wonderful friends. I’ve learned more about writing, about myself, about sticking to a project, about learning to lean on others than you can possibly imagine. This project has taken over four years and I think the world should give all authors an honorary degree for just facing the dragons.
Every story – absolutely every story – has some element of the autobiography. Decide to Hope is no exception. I love Kathleen and Matt because, in some way, they are me. In my second book, I love Ian for the same reason.
Just as I send out this blog every week with fear and trembling, so goes this book. It’s an honest, authentic effort to tell the story that Matt told me one day while hiking up a mountain. I had no idea at the time that his fictional story would send me up the mountain of my own dream.
Later this week, I’ll be interviewing Matt and Kathleen so you can peak into how and why they told me their story. These interviews will give you a look into how powerful our inner voices can be and how important their messages are. In the coming weeks, I'll give ideas on how to find you're own dreams -- the Godiverse placed dreams in every human heart.
Allow me this time to thank all of you that read my blog. I get comments and emails often and that gives me the courage to continue to let you peek into the mind of someone who struggles day in and day out with a chaotic mind.
The next weeks will be difficult – people will love it, people will hate it. Everyone will have an opinion. I’ll take the hit for each one. People that I "expect" to buy it, won't. But, this is MY DREAM and I intend to see it all the way through.
Find a dream – pursue it – suffer the consequences – live the DREAM. I’ve Decided to Hope this FOR YOU and FOR ME.
In April 2012 I had a mental breakdown. The real thing. I have about 36 hours that I don’t remember....