My Journey from Discovery to Acceptance to Change
June Converse Logo

Hope Through Authenticity

June Converse Logo

Body Kindness Sends Me Back To Therapy

If you read one of my recent posts, I had planned to start doing what I’ve been told to do. I had decided to take all that excellent professional advice instead of finding excuses and continuing to whine. I had planned to work through Body Kindness by Rebecca Scritchfield, RDN. 

I bought the book. I bought a journal, some colored pencils, some post-it notes. I placed all my supplies on the corner of my desk where they still sit today.

I could not do it. I could not open that book. Even now, several weeks later, the idea of opening that book creates an ache in my chest and a burn in my eyes. Why? What’s wrong with me?

I consider how much money I’ve spent trying not to let food and my hatred of my body control me. The amount is astronomical and still I can’t open a $15 book that asks me to be kind to myself and love my body as it is. Why? What’s wrong with me?

I spent over twelve years in therapy. I’ve been to groups. I’ve been in inpatient treatment. And yet, here I am AGAIN. Why? What’s wrong with me?

Before I get too far into the negativity, I admit that all of that treatment has helped me in other ways. I no longer drop into deep depression because I recognize the signs and work hard to stop the drop. I have been able to fight through many battles against fear. I have developed and maintained deep relationships. Heck, I still write this blog.

And Yet

And yet, this eating disorder controls me. Why? What’s wrong with me?

And yet, today I look at myself and see someone who looks “okay”. Yesterday, I looked at myself and saw every grotesque chunk of blubber.

I’ve developed strategies to manage other compulsive behaviors (mostly). But this eating thing defeats me. I used to say that my eating disorder was a two-year old dragon who simply wanted her way. I created this cute image in my head. My dragon had pink hair with a bow. She smiled with a charming manipulative innocence. She rattled her [my] cage when she wanted one more bite.

A New Monster

Now, I don’t see her as cute or charming. She’s a monster with super strength. She’s ugly and snarling and devious. She’s both overt and subtle. She’s able to keep me from opening a simple book and reading one paragraph. She needs a name so I can talk to her, try to understand her, help her love herself. Any suggestions?

I’ve found a new therapist and I’ve begged her not to waste time digging into my past. I’ve done that enough – I have the t-shirt. I’ve asked her not to bother with DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) – I’ve had so much of that I could teach the classes. What does that leave? I have no idea but she says she can help me.

If only I believed her.

Click HERE to download the Journaling Activity that correlates with this blog and follow along with a journaling activity of your own!

Tags:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • Meet June

    June with Purple Hair

    In April 2012 I had a mental breakdown. The real thing. I have about 36 hours that I don’t remember....

    Read More

  • Newsletter

  • All of my novels, at least so far, have an element of mental illness within a character.  Decide to Hope is the most autobiographical in that I struggle in many ways exactly as the female protagonist. 
    - J.C.
  • cover Decide to Hope by June A. Converse - woman walking on the beach

    cover Journey to Hope by June A. Converse - cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains

  • Search by tags:

  • Recent Posts

  • Recent Comments

  • Archives

  • Categories

  • June Converse
    chevron-downmenu-circlecross-circle linkedin facebook pinterest youtube rss twitter instagram facebook-blank rss-blank linkedin-blank pinterest youtube twitter instagram