In April 2012 I had a mental breakdown. The real thing. I have about 36 hours that I don’t remember. Then I have 4 weeks of almost catatonic sitting and contemplating, well, contemplating nothing! Next came 9 weeks of inpatient rehab 600 miles from my family. At the end of that I had:
I returned from rehab able to function in a limited capacity but at least I was past catatonic and had some clear (very clear) issues that needed resolution. Who knew that four years later, I’d still be in the resolution process?
Today, I have no career, a mushy faith, my awesome family, the same few friends, better health, fewer fears, less anger. Some days I’m cool with that and other days I’m devastated.
I hate the words journey and process. Unfortunately those are the two best words to use. The journey is long and filled with thorns. The process can be tortuous and filled with challenges I still don’t face very well. Sometimes I’m so lonely I can barely stand it. Other times, the idea of being with people freaks me out!
At times, I’m still confused, disillusioned, lost. But I don’t think I’m really alone. I may not know who else is on this journey with me, but I do know many people are. I can’t be the only one wanting (needing) to reshape my mind, my faith, my body, my spirit, my everything! I can’t be the only one wanting to think deeper and say what I’m thinking even if it sounds crazy or wrong or silly or naïve. I can’t be the only one seeking a safe place to just be me. A safe place to say what I’m thinking, feeling, wanting, fearing. A safe place where people share their worries and offer support, advice, guidance or just a laugh. I can’t be the only one struggling with who I am versus who I want to become. Maybe we can help each other?
Here on this blog, I’m ready to build a safe place for myself and for others. I’m ready to walk on this hazardous yet exciting road with other people facing similar struggles. I’m ready to show me. Me – with all my imperfections, idiosyncrasies, craziness. Would you like join me? I’ll accept you as you are, wherever you are on this journey.
What I’ve learned about any journey is that I get to decide when to start, when to pause, when to take a few steps back, when to take a few steps forward. I also get to decide who goes with me – and I choose YOU.
I’ll show you my crazy if you show me yours! I’ll be sharing what my brain and heart are pondering. I’ll share what makes me laugh or cry or mad. I’ll be sharing my confusions and what I think I may have right (until I’m wrong again).
Use your real name, use a fake name, I don’t care. I really am June from Atlanta, GA. If I write it, it will be real. All I want is for people to respect each other for who they are and where they are. All I want is a safe place.
Sign-up, join-in, walk with me.
Let’s move from disillusioned with life to determined to live!
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In April 2012 I had a mental breakdown. The real thing. I have about 36 hours that I don’t remember....